Dig Deeper



As we were riding down the road my daughter dropped the first hint.  “Mom, that looks like the apartments my sister and her mom live in.”  Grabbing the steering wheel firmly, I kept jamming to the music, trying desperately to block that comment out.   I knew the only way she would have any clue about where her sister and my husband’s ex wife lived is if my husband had taken her there and I wasn’t ready to deal with that.  I just wanted to have a peaceful, fun time with my girls.  As we continued to ride down the road she began to talk about how she liked Golden Corral chocolate covered strawberries.  And then she went on to say how her dad had taken her and her sister there after they hung out with her sister and mom at their apartment.   In that instant, all of my energy and desire to just make this a great day for me and my girls drained from me.   Looking straight ahead I was determined not to let the tears flow.  And even though I knew the answer would pain me, I could not stop myself from asking, “did you just say that you had gone with your dad to your sister’s house to hang out with her and her mom?”

“Yes.  And they have a dog…”

Turning my head to look out the driver’s door window, as my daughter went on and on about the details of their visit,  because I could no longer stop the rush of emotion that took over me, I whispered, “wow, that really hurts.”

My husband and I had been together for the past ten years and were only separated for three months and he had decided to focus his energies on rebuilding his relationship with his first wife.  The woman I watched him fight tirelessly with over the years and complain about how evil and mean she was.  This was the one he ran to when I left.

Honestly, I probably should have seen it coming and I thought back to the exchange that he and I had a few weeks ago and everything suddenly became crystal clear.  You see, a few weeks ago we had gone back and forth about his unwillingness to drive to Windsor to pick our daughter up for her visits with him.   I reminded him that I watched him drive to Raleigh to pick his other children up and drive to Rocky Mount to drop them off for years.  And, Windsor, is a much shorter distance, than Raleigh, by far, so I could not understand his insistence that I trek to Rich Square so that HE could spend time with his daughter.  However, in an effort to “do the right thing” I would drop everything I was doing, jump in the car,  and make the trek.  On some occasions, I would take her all the way to Roanoke Rapids in order to make things convenient for him and my daughter.  On the one occasion where I just refused to drive to Rich Square he did not come to get her and accused me of denying him his right to see her.

Well, when I reminded him of my observations, he snapped and told me not to bring his first wife and daughter’s into this! Stunned and confused by his reaction is an understatement.  When had he become a champion for his first wife?  While his reaction was a blow to my psyche, I knew at some point I had to face reality! His disdain for me was strong.   And, with that realization I added another lock on my heart.

Driving down the road with my girls I thought back to that exchange and the last ten years.  When I encouraged him throughout our relationship to talk to his ex wife he refused.  When I tried to build a relationship with his ex-wife she acted as though I didn’t exist.  And, she never acknowledged our daughter’s presence or existence as a sister to her children.  In fact, on her daughter’s recent financial aid application she only listed my husband as having two children, theirs.     Now, within three months of me being out of the picture, they were carrying on as though the ten years between us never existed.  And as if that wasn’t enough, they decided that my daughter was going to be a part of their reunification process. “Wow, that really hurts.”

Unfortunately, none of my supporters were very sympathetic when I turned to them.  Quite frankly they were all shocked that I was surprised by these most recent events. Needless to say there was no sympathy party for Tonza.   When I told my mom, she simply responded, “I’m not surprised at all” and proceeded to ask me about some t-shirts she was trying to sell for me.  My friends kept asking me what the hell was going on with me and why couldn’t I find that fight I had in the courtroom when it came to dealing with him.  What would it take for me to realize he would  steam roll over me to get what he wanted?  And sometimes this “we are the world” attitude just wasn’t realistic.

Well, actually, it went more like, “Tonza, put your damn big panties on and get your head out of the clouds!!!!”

I grappled with my feelings and emotions about this recent turn of events throughout the day and night, and even,  shed a few more tears.  Tears are my way of cleansing the soul.  And, while I am still blown away, I know that I will not let this latest stab define, or, defeat me.

I woke up, with my daughter’s surrounding me in our hotel room, and heard God’s whispers to  DIG DEEPER in my quest for peace, love, and happiness.


Peace and Love



17 thoughts on “Dig Deeper

  1. It’s not as easy to get over someone you’re in love with, I know all so well… You not only have to deal with loss of someone you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with, but you now have to start over again. . That was my biggest ache. I say ache because , starting over is just as big a pain as losing someone you love. I asked God for Peace every day, along with why my relationship didn’t last, why I have to keep starting over, why do I have to keep feeling this way.. So many questions. I’m fresh out of a relationship as well. I pray you continue to find happiness. I don’t think people who are in a good relationship with their husband are significant other realize how much someone can hurt. They don’t feel the pain so until it happens to them, they feel every one is strong. My cousin and sister whom I confined in had strong and great relationships so they just couldn’t see my pain.. They loved me, they just couldn’t feel my pain..or understand why I couldn’t move forward. .


  2. Wow! Your openness & description of your depth of feelings is amazing! I am praying for you as you gather your strength each day T, & as you continue to grow from this experience. I’ve often been told that those we encounter come into our lives for a season & a reason. Sometimes it is to teach us valuable & painful lessons. Sometimes it it’s to make us stronger emotionally for the next step or phase in life. You are strong, you will get through this. Much Love to u & the girls always.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wow! Women always have to endure so much pain. Sometimes it seems so unfair, but once you come thru you’ll look back and use that as a stepping stone. Keep digging deeper.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. T, my mouth dropped and tears formed in my eyes as I read this. I admire your willingness to share your experience… While I won’t pretend to know exactly how you feel, I do know hurt and betrayal. Take the time you need to heal whether it be writing, crying, or at times screaming in your car as you drive. God has your back and his whispers to “Dig Deeper” is your source of strength. Love you girlie!



  5. “But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead.”
    ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭43:1-3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

    Always lean on the one who created you he is there for you.

    This is my favorite scripture

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I am just so inspired by your strength, creativity and ability to take lemons and make lemonade! Kudos to you for transforming your pain into such beautiful inspiring art! If you were a man, you would have triple this outpouring of support in the way you have handled breakups in your life. Just keep doing what you’re doing and know you are not ordinary.

    Liked by 1 person

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