I Am Damaged

I cringe at the term “victim” or any term or phrase that conjures up mental images of weakness.  Subconsciously, I think if I embrace these terms, I might give up on my battle to overcome any adversity in my life.  So, this morning I was quite taken aback when I was doing my morning prayer and began to cry and repeat “I Am Damaged”.

Over the past couple of months because I started feeling somewhat better mentally, spiritually, and physically, God knew that I would take some short cuts and stop following the path that he set forth for my healing and growth.  Feeling better on the surface would make me end my journey like I had done on a number of occasions in the past.  So, this time He rocked the core of my being by involving my children in my wake up call.

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A couple of weeks ago I had been dealt a blow that really knocked me on my butt.  And, quite honestly, my initial reaction was rage.  Fortunately, when I picked up the phone to express this rage there was no answer on the other end.  So, I sent a text, and, as I began texting a sudden sense of calm came over me and said, Tonza let it go.  Let it go.

The next week I found myself running around from one doctor’s appointment to another and sitting in the emergency room watching my daughter cry tears of exhaustion and I thought “this is so unfair”.  Watching my daughter, exhausted and in pain, made me start to believe that we, as a family, were starting to take ten steps back from all the healing that had taken place over the past several months.

Once I got her settled, and to a place of comfort, I was immediately forced to refocus on the first blow.  Traveling down the road, trying to center myself before I arrived for the scheduled appointment, I began to listen to my favorite gospel song, In the Midst of It All, by Yolanda Adams.

I’ve come through many hard trials
Through temptations on every hand
Though Satan’s tried to stop me
And to place my feet on sinking sand
Through the pain and all of my sorrows
Through tears and all of my fears
The Lord was there to keep me
For He’s kept me in the midst of it all

Not because I’ve been so faithful
Not Because I’ve always obeyed
It’s not because I trust him
To be with me all of the way
But it’s because He loves me so dearly
He was there to answer my call
There always to protect me
For He’s kept me in the midst of it all

As I listened I began to cry and wonder, “Will I get through this?”  I felt as though I had no more to give and honestly just wanted to curl up in bed, with the covers over my head, and hope that this would all go away.  Realizing the words of the song were not bringing me the comfort that they usually do made me realize that I had once again veered down the wrong path and was planning to take a spiritual short cut.   So, on Tuesday morning I got on my knees and prayed out loud and although I gave myself a pat on the back for taking time for prayer, I had to later admit that my prayer was extremely selfish and all about me and what I wanted.  On Wednesday, I prayed and while I let go of the specifics of what I wanted, it was still pretty much focused on me and what I wanted.  On Thursday, I prayed and the focus seemed to shift from me, to guidance for all of us involved so that we could do what was right.

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While I realize I have a lot of work to do in fixing the damage, it brings me great comfort to know that I have grown enough to be able to say “I am Damaged” and not be ashamed or feel weak.  I would venture to say, it shows that I have developed a strength that did not exist in the past and I am ready to truly embrace life as it is meant to be for me by following the path that God has set out for me.

Peace and Love, TRB

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12 thoughts on “I Am Damaged

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  1. Tanza…we are all damaged. .no one is perfect. ..no one is i the perfect mom….perfect daughter. ..perfect friend… perfect anything etc etc You are lovely just being you…as long as it is the true you! Love you always –

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  2. Always remember that damage is repairable by GOD! Back in the day when film had to developed to create amazing pictures, there was a process. There was a (negative) that held the final image you desired. The negative had to be placed in a dark room for processing! Once that negative had DEVELOPED, and was brought back into the light you had a (positive) image of beauty and also a snap shot of that moment you wanted to capture! So don’t give up during the processing because you will be the woman and mother that GOD created you to be!! Keep praying and God will work it out T. Love you!

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  3. Tonza,

    Life happens to all of us and, when it does, we realize just how strong we are. We get up each morning thanking God for keeping our minds and hearts stayed on Him. I’m so encouraged and inspired by your strength. Though the road may seem a little bumpy right now trust me, it WILL smooth out. Your greater is coming!!!

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  4. The beauty of God’s people is living in the Christian struggle. The writer of this blog was well engaged to know a life hit I took where I had to dig myself out of the pits of hell and reposition myself. When your life goes to the end and those thoughts of ending it all are at you but you already told God that’s no option, you have to strap up the Whole Armor of God and be a warrior. You have to fight through all the anguish, slander, self-deceit, accept your mistakes, accept you being a target, you have to take it all and set it deep with in the pit of God’s forgiveness and bury it where it can never resurface. Damaged welllllll. It’s good to be able to know that you were damaged but you are never damaged goods. You can never be both. Truly this is an oxymoron. We fool ourselves with self-deceit to believe we can be damaged and be good. We lose focus that being good is forever present-tense. Damaged is in the past-tense form. Remember even good things get tarnished but they are still good. it just means we have to be polished. It just reminds me of all the old antique cars Down South with grass growing up and in between them but those old heads will not sell them because they know the value. Alright I’ll say it! People can respect your value even when you down. Listen how we try to purchase goods we think are damaged.

    Buyer: Can I buy that old beat up car from you since it’s just seating in your yard and weeds growing all around it.

    The informed Owner: Well if it’s all beat up and just sitting in my yard with weeds growing all around it, why in the world would you want it?

    Buyer: Well, I was looking for a good car that has value and that model right there is a classic. It has steel bumpers instead of plastic. The engine you can work on yourself. All you need is the manual. So I can get this fixed up in no time.

    The informed Owner just before closing the door on the Buyer: Now you know why I still own it! It’s not for sale!

    See we have something people want but that talk down about it. They don’t even appreciate it enough to respect the value of us. They only see us as beaten down with worries growing all around us. Don’t they know with the right manual (The Bible) we can be fixed. Don’t they know that we just need the right hands laid upon us to get us back up and rolling again? No the only thing apparent to them is that we’re sitting still. Here’s the finale’. We’re sitting still because we’re not ready to move for them. They aren’t bringing anything to the table. They’ve done their homework on what we are made of but yet they don’t know that what’s not publically broadcasted is how to hold our hearts and keep it pumping.

    So are you damaged goods? No mam! Not at all! You just require someone to special order you! We are not up for auction. Either you pay the price that is posted or keep it moving! I sit and hold my value until the right purchaser is guided by God to me. My self-worth is not attached to all that I’ve gone through. My self –worth and your self-worth is what you are made of. You are built by the Creator of all…GOD!

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  5. THERE’S A THING SUCH AS RIGHT & WRONG THINKING…WHEN WE THINK RIGHT, WE BELIEVE RIGHT & WE CONFESS RIGHT, BUT WHEN WE THINK WRONG, WE BELIEVE WRONG & WE CONFESS WRONG…UR NOT DAMAGED, UR BEING PROCESSED…GOD ALLOWS US TO GO THROUGH CHALLENGES, TRAILS & TRIBULATIONS IN ORDER TO DRAW US NEARER UNTO HIM…WE MUST PROVE WHAT’S IN OUR HEARTS FOR GOD, & IN THE PROCESS OF THAT WE FIND OUT THINGS ABOUT OURSELVES THAT WE DIDN’T KNOW EXISTED IN US…WE FIND STRENGTH, WE FIND FAITH, WE FIND POWER, & WE EVEN FIND A NEW LOVE FOR OURSELVES, GOD, & OUR LIVES… DAMAGED IS THE STATE OF A CONDITION, IT’S NOT THE ENDING RESULT UNLESS ONE CHOOSES FOR IT TO BE… ANYTHING DAMAGED CAN BE REPAIRED IF AN INDIVIDUAL TAKES THE TIME & PUT FORTH THE EFFORT TO DO SO… WE’VE ALL BEEN FACED WITH SOMETHING DRASTIC AT SOME POINT IN OUR LIVES, SOME MORE THAN OTHERS, BUT KNOWING THAT GOD IS IN CONTROL OF ALL THINGS BRINGS A SENSE OF PEACE TO THOSE THAT ARE BELIEVERS… EVERYTHING SINGLE THING THAT U’VE BEEN THROUGH HAD/HAS A DIVINE PURPOSE FOR UR LIFE & WHEN U EMBRACE THAT FACT & ACKNOWLEDGE GOD WHILE DOING SO, U FIND OUT THAT IT HAPPENED TO HELP U GET TO UR NEXT LEVEL IN LIFE & IN GOD…AMEN…THINK RIGHT ABOUT URSELF SO THAT U’LL BELIEVE RIGHT ABOUT URSELF SO THAT WHEN U OPEN UR MOUTH CONCERNING U, U’LL CONFESS RIGHT ABOUT U & UR LIFE…AMEN…STAY AWESOME…😇😇😇

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