Monogamy…is that even possible?

You say you got a girl
And how you want me
How you want me when you got a girl?
The feelin’ is wreckless
Of knowin’ you’re selfish
Knowin’ I’m desperate
Gettin’ all in your love
Fallin’ all over love, like
Do it to last, last
Hanging out the back, all up in your lap
Like is you comin’ home?
Is you out with her?
I don’t care long as you’re here by 10:30
No later than, drop them drawers
Give me what I want

-lyrics from SZA’s song The Weekend

Basically, The Weekend is a song all about “sharing” a man.

I was bringing my daughter and her college roommates back to our house for a weekend about a month ago and that song came on. They all began singing their hearts out. Being the inquisitive person that I am, I questioned why they liked this song. When I listened to the lyrics, I thought it was sending an awful message.  Of course, like teenagers do, they simply rolled their eyes, and brushed me off as being too serious.  As a mother, I couldn’t help but be concerned that this song was sending young girls the wrong message.

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So, I wanted to explore this issue of monogamy with you all and hopefully have some meaningful conversation with my readers. Is it unrealistic to expect a man to be monogamous? More importantly, are we as women beginning to accept, or have we always accepted, the notion that men just aren’t capable of being faithful? Do we also encourage boys to be cheaters by turning a blind eye to the revolving door of girls that come into our homes throughout their teenage years?  Don’t get me wrong, I am an adovocate of young people dating so that they can really figure out what they are attracted to, but, I am also an advocate about being honest about the fact that you are dating others.

When I talk to other women, the common thread that I hear from women is if we want to succeed in a male/female relationship we have to be willing to lower our standards. This is quite unsettling for the hopeless romantic that I am. Put bluntly, women say, “don’t expect too much from men because they will disappoint you every time.” So basically, because we are seen as the superior gender in this area, we must expect to be hurt. And, when it happens, we must turn a blind eye and lean on our “woman circle” to help us through.

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With this mindset, there is no accountability for men. In fact, men enjoy the benefits of this mindset. For them it appears to be a pass to cause pain without accountability.  When you confront them about their actions, they do not have the capacity to understand the pain you feel. So, not only are we left dealing with the betrayal, we are also left dealing with the detached manner in which they deal with our pain.

If we raised our expectations as women, would men be willing to rise to the occasion? Or, is the rise of women choosing to be single, a result of standards being raised and men not wanting to accept the challenge?

The thing that is so disturbing for me as a woman is the emotional pain that we suffer at the hands of a man that promises to be faithful but just doesn’t have the ability to do so. They selfishly do not want to run the risk of losing any of their women so they rather inflict pain on the women.  I cannot tell you the number of times I have seen women in the court system charged with assault because they got into a fight over a man that was basically making each of them believe there was no other love for him. And, sadly enough, the man is nowhere to be found as the women suffer through the humiliation of putting their emotions out there for everyone to see. As a woman it is quite painful to see women in this position. I can’t think of one instance where the women were in court for uniting and assaulting the man that is responsible for the pain. Not that I am condoning violence in any form but rather than fight one another, why not fight the one that is responsible for the mess? IJS

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While I may not be able to influence the men of my generation I hope that I am doing my part to break this cycle of disrespect by constantly encouraging my oldest nephew to be honest with the young women he dates. And, when my youngest nephew grows up, I will have the same conversations with him. As for my girls, I guess I will tell them like my mom told me, “there are a lot of single women that seem happy as hell, so don’t feel you have to settle just to have a man in your life.”

I know there are some men out there that also share my passion for monogamy, I am just wondering if they are a dying breed?

Can’t wait to hear your thoughts!!!!

Much Love,

Tonza

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17 thoughts on “Monogamy…is that even possible?

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  1. Loved this! And such a relevant topic in our current society! I agree that looking at MEN and MONOGAMY as a dichotomy has caused a catch-22… But I am also a firm believer that there are both faithful men and women in the dating pool. I feel that sometimes we get into a cycle of choosing the “wrong” person when we don’t value our own worth, or make those values non-negotiable.

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  2. I agree totally, I was raised in a house that my Dad never left for work or came home and didn’t kiss my Mom and tell her he loved her. He would leave her love notes over the house from time to time that she would find in the craziest places. They both taught me the importance of spontaneity. After watching this over the years I’m totally convinced their is no other way to treat the one you love. They were married for over 50 years before she passed from cancer. We must set the example to our children. No, we’re not perfect, we’re human, and we make mistakes. A strong relationship is like a home. It must be built on a solid foundation of communication and love, otherwise it will crumble. Their is nothing stronger that LOVE and FAITH.

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  3. When I was a younger man my mantra was the same as most men which was to bed as many women as possible. It used to be called. “ sowing your oats”. But as you get older and wiser you realize or at least you should realize that you can get everything you want and need from that one solid woman that puts you first and can keep everything in perspective. I’ve found that true woman. That diamond in the rough. Bent but not broken. Caters to my needs. Concerned that I’m ok and happy. Considerate of my feelings. Strong family and work ethic. Clean and tidy. When she has it all. You grab her and hold onto her with both arms. I love my Tonza d ruffin. My diamond in the rough. So to answer the question of Is monogamy possible? Hello yeah it is. If I can find it. So can you

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Great story however women do exact same kinds of things men do. I think it’s just the new generation and how they approach life.I believe in being honest about your intentions. If you want to be intimate with someone but don’t want a relationship with that person ne honest but that is to much like right! Loyalty is RARE!

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  5. Awwwww…Summey’s reply is sooo cute! Lol! Like he said, I believe that there are monogamous men out there….the question is whether each specific man is in a time & place in his life to value & practice monogamy. If one is not ready to stop “sowing the wild oats” he won’t be ready & only the right woman that he values & the right time & place in his life will cause him to make a change.

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  6. I feel monogamy is possible for both sexes. I don’t feel anyone is wrong to expect that from your partner. I was watching a CNN documentary that covered couples who participated in a ‘swingers retreat’. To my surprise, the statistics ultimately concluded that when you care for someone you instinctively become territorial and none of the couples surveyed had a desire to ever participate again. I think if in a relationship monogamy is a requirement, and if it is not the person who doesn’t care to have monogamy, a commitment, faithfulness doesn’t care for his/her partner. Do not get me wrong, I understand life happens, but in my opinion having the expectation that having multiple partners is acceptable is never fine. Someone will get hurt, if not multiple people!

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  7. Hi, I totally agree! I am monogamy and I’m currently living this amazing romantic love story with my husband and father of my little son. I hope this is what we will teach and show him once he grows up, through our love and our decision to respect each other “till death do us part”. There will be fights and incomprehension but at the end of the day he is and will still be my partner in life ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Great Blog!! I love EVERY subject that you write about. So sad but that song reflects how so many women live. This is nothing new. I am about to age myself but there were songs that I sang along with as a child that said exactly the same thing. Example, Woman to Woman by Shirley Brown, Me and Mrs Jones by Billy Paul oh and don’t forget about As we Lay by Shirley Murdock and then redone by Kelly Price ! I had no idea what I was singing about but I knew every word. So this is nothing new to R&B. I can’t blame the men alone because (side chics) women make it possible. I think it is important to make sure our young girls are raised to know that they are the prize and they don’t have to settle for part time love. It is also important that boys are raised to know a women’s worth! I am teaching my son how very important it is to know a woman’s worth and how to respect and treat a women. My husband is also raising our son to know how important it is to treat women with respect and admiration.

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