You say you got a girl
And how you want me
How you want me when you got a girl?
The feelin’ is wreckless
Of knowin’ you’re selfish
Knowin’ I’m desperate
Gettin’ all in your love
Fallin’ all over love, like
Do it to last, last
Hanging out the back, all up in your lap
Like is you comin’ home?
Is you out with her?
I don’t care long as you’re here by 10:30
No later than, drop them drawers
Give me what I want
-lyrics from SZA’s song The Weekend
Basically, The Weekend is a song all about “sharing” a man.
I was bringing my daughter and her college roommates back to our house for a weekend about a month ago and that song came on. They all began singing their hearts out. Being the inquisitive person that I am, I questioned why they liked this song. When I listened to the lyrics, I thought it was sending an awful message. Of course, like teenagers do, they simply rolled their eyes, and brushed me off as being too serious. As a mother, I couldn’t help but be concerned that this song was sending young girls the wrong message.
So, I wanted to explore this issue of monogamy with you all and hopefully have some meaningful conversation with my readers. Is it unrealistic to expect a man to be monogamous? More importantly, are we as women beginning to accept, or have we always accepted, the notion that men just aren’t capable of being faithful? Do we also encourage boys to be cheaters by turning a blind eye to the revolving door of girls that come into our homes throughout their teenage years? Don’t get me wrong, I am an adovocate of young people dating so that they can really figure out what they are attracted to, but, I am also an advocate about being honest about the fact that you are dating others.
When I talk to other women, the common thread that I hear from women is if we want to succeed in a male/female relationship we have to be willing to lower our standards. This is quite unsettling for the hopeless romantic that I am. Put bluntly, women say, “don’t expect too much from men because they will disappoint you every time.” So basically, because we are seen as the superior gender in this area, we must expect to be hurt. And, when it happens, we must turn a blind eye and lean on our “woman circle” to help us through.
With this mindset, there is no accountability for men. In fact, men enjoy the benefits of this mindset. For them it appears to be a pass to cause pain without accountability. When you confront them about their actions, they do not have the capacity to understand the pain you feel. So, not only are we left dealing with the betrayal, we are also left dealing with the detached manner in which they deal with our pain.
If we raised our expectations as women, would men be willing to rise to the occasion? Or, is the rise of women choosing to be single, a result of standards being raised and men not wanting to accept the challenge?
The thing that is so disturbing for me as a woman is the emotional pain that we suffer at the hands of a man that promises to be faithful but just doesn’t have the ability to do so. They selfishly do not want to run the risk of losing any of their women so they rather inflict pain on the women. I cannot tell you the number of times I have seen women in the court system charged with assault because they got into a fight over a man that was basically making each of them believe there was no other love for him. And, sadly enough, the man is nowhere to be found as the women suffer through the humiliation of putting their emotions out there for everyone to see. As a woman it is quite painful to see women in this position. I can’t think of one instance where the women were in court for uniting and assaulting the man that is responsible for the pain. Not that I am condoning violence in any form but rather than fight one another, why not fight the one that is responsible for the mess? IJS
While I may not be able to influence the men of my generation I hope that I am doing my part to break this cycle of disrespect by constantly encouraging my oldest nephew to be honest with the young women he dates. And, when my youngest nephew grows up, I will have the same conversations with him. As for my girls, I guess I will tell them like my mom told me, “there are a lot of single women that seem happy as hell, so don’t feel you have to settle just to have a man in your life.”
I know there are some men out there that also share my passion for monogamy, I am just wondering if they are a dying breed.
Can’t wait to hear your thoughts!!!!