I found myself in a constant state of anger, always ready for war. Taking the easy way out, I blamed my raging hormones and accepted that this was something I had to endure and manage through medication, meditation, and mindfulness. Unable to shake the feeling of defeat at the thought of taking medication, I immersed myself into the world of meditation and mindfulness. I listened to every empowerment speech I could listen to. I found a quiet place and began to meditate and center myself in the mornings. I worked to constantly bring myself back to the present when my mind wandered to the things that ignited that fire inside of me. And, while these practices were extremely helpful at allowing me to grow as a person, they did not completely quell the rage that would surface when I felt wronged.
Continuing to search for affirmation, I began to lean on my woman circle. Was I wrong for feeling the way I felt? Am I crazy for thinking there is something wrong with this scenario? What am I doing wrong?
While most of my circle agreed that my concerns were valid, the consensus was that I needed to focus my energy on the storm inside of me. With that in mind, the advice was for me to “fall back”. Don’t make yourself so available and willing to do whatever a man wants you to do. Men love a challenge and you need to give it to them or they will lose interest. More importantly, “falling back” would give me the time I needed to calm the storm.
Priding myself on no longer playing games, I could not bring myself to “fall back”. I didn’t believe the answer was for me to act as though I wasn’t bothered when in fact I was. Everything about that notion just felt wrong to me.
And then it happened. As I sat there disappointed and alone with my thoughts, the shift occurred. I realized that I was raging outwardly, but, I was the person that I was truly angry with. I was angry because I was tackling my relationships like I did my career, my life as a mom, my life as a writer, blogger, homeowner, etc. I was putting in a lot of work believing that my work would automatically lead to a successful relationship, i.e. my significant other would love me, appreciate me, choose me. Quite frankly, this “work hard” mindset had left me burned out mentally and emotionally which manifested itself in the form of rage.
With all of my energy being directed at working so hard to make sure my significant other knew I was worthy, I had failed to spend any time thinking about, whether or not my significant other was worthy of the love that I had to give. I never thought about whether or not my significant other was capable of truly appreciating me. I never thought about whether or not my significant other was treating me with the love and respect that I deserved. Or, even able to treat me with the love and respect that I deserved. Because in my mind, I held on to the false and exhausting belief that all of that depended on me.
While the shift came about as a result of another disappointing experience, I am no longer resentful. Sometimes we have to learn lessons the hard way. This shift has allowed me to rid myself of the burden of being the caretaker for relationships. I am no longer angry and resentful because I no longer take on the burden of proving that I am worthy of love. I have hit the reset button and am focused on living my best life, and with that, the anger and rage has subsided. Of course I am human which means I cannot guarantee a life void of anger. But, with awareness and growth comes my ability to reset as needed.
What I do know is, I prefer a life void of rage, and, I love the sense of peace that I feel. This lets me know that I am on the right track of continuing my journey of a life fulfilled.