Full Circle Part 1- If It Don’t Fit Don’t Force It

I know I am stereotyping when I say this but I believe most women are nurturers. As such, we believe that we are powerful enough to overcome anything with a strong dose of love and understanding. Oftentimes it is that belief that leads to us staying in a relationship well past its date of expiration. The problem is, when we stay past the date of expiration, we are damaged in the process. I speak from experience…

He was broken and I knew it. Rather than run for the hills I decided I would stay, help him to repair himself, and then we would live happily ever after. I was being a nurturer. In my mind, there was nothing wrong with a little self-sacrifice for the sake of love. Also, I mistakenly believed that standing by his side at a time when he “needed” me the most meant he, in turn, would appreciate and love me the way I deserved to be loved.  Basically, in exchange for me staying when he was a mess, I believed he owed me a life of pure devotion. I am sure some of you can relate to what I am saying.

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Such a faulty mindset would not allow me to accept it when he began pushing me away. You see, at some point in the relationship he went from “I need you” to “I just don’t know what I want”. Unable to accept his mental transition, and, need to figure shit out on his own, I erroneously believed that I was simply not being nurturing and devoted enough. I also believed that the love and support I had provided until that point was the source of the strength that was being used to push me away.  My belief made me angry because I believed this new found strength was owed to me rather than some other chick. I was still stuck in martyrdom, giving myself too much credit for staying with him despite the fact that he had very little to offer mentally and emotionally.  And, I would be damned if I allowed some other woman to reap the benefits of my love and devotion. As a result, I fought tooth and nail to keep the relationship together, despite its obvious toxicity.

Before I knew it I found myself breaking in the process of trying to repair his brokenness. Despite that fact, I continued to “fight for us”…until the “aha moment” came.  It was one weekend, not unlike many others, when I realized I had completely lost my joy in the process of nurturing him. I was no longer “living my best life” by doing the things that made me happy, I had distanced myself from family and friends because I just didn’t have the energy to engage, many of my days were spent shedding tears, and I was questioning my ability to find the love that was right for me, willing to settle for what I knew was all wrong. Despite the fact that I knew the relationship was over as we returned to our respective homes from our weekend together, the overwhelming peace that I felt allowed him to walk away without one plea from me. I knew, and finally accepted, I would never be happy if I tried to “make it work”. There was just no amount of love and devotion from me that would make him transcend into the man that I wanted or deserved. More importantly, I realized no amount of love and devotion from me would make him happy.

When I was finally honest with myself, I felt the sun begin to shine in my life again. I welcomed our break up as an opportunity to fall in love with myself again and reacquaint myself with the things that bought me joy and happiness. As I put the pieces of my life back together, I did some soul searching, seeking the answers to the lesson(s) I needed to learn from this experience. Here is what I came up with:

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  1. Do not get so caught up in nurturing another individual that you refuse to see that you are being damaged in the process.
  2. Just because you are ready, doesn’t mean that the other person has to be ready.
  3. A person may change their mind over time. You have to accept that. Failure to accept that leads to nothing more than resentment on both parts.
  4. Do not force someone to stay out of a sense of obligation. Guilt tripping a person leads to nothing more than resentment on both parts.
  5. Anything that is causing your “life light” to be dimmed needs to be examined closely and more than likely eliminated from your life (this does not necessarily mean permanently).

Much love,

Tonza

Have any of you had similar experiences in life? What were your take aways from your experience?

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southern woman, southern mom, and southern lawyer!

9 thoughts on “Full Circle Part 1- If It Don’t Fit Don’t Force It

  1. You always write some deep stuff, but this was knee deep! I admire your willingness to put yourself out there like you did in this article. I appreciate your insight. Obviously, he just wasn’t ready for all of you.

    1. Thank you! Some think I should not put myself out there but transparency does not bother me one bit. In fact I believe many silently relate to my experiences. I also believe that transparency can oftentimes help another to avoid certain situations.
      I appreciate your continued support!

  2. I agree totally with Jim. I’m sure their are many out there that can relate and feel they have no choice but continue in a non working relationship. I truly believe the right one is in your future. I realize I’m telling you something you already know, but I’m going to say it anyway. Make sure you don’t lower the bar in what you want and expect.

    1. Stepping back and giving myself a little self-love stopped me from lowering the bar! So glad I took the time I needed to reflect and learn from this experience.
      Thank you for all of your wonderful feedback!

  3. Well written as always……. My philosophy….. Learn to LOVE yourself FIRST, then you will know what you deserve in terms of how you expect to be loved….. This normally happens when you accept your SPIRITUALITY over your Physical-ness…..This transforms as get grow in Wisdom…… My two cents….. I LOVE to Love!

  4. We have all done things to save the other person or a toxic relationship. Sometimes it is stronger to let go then you finally have an epiphany to recognize “your worth”. Keep writing, you are providing valuable insight to others!

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